in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Randomize