Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize