dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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