In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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