Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
