Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This is the high leading the old right now
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
