I think I died a long time ago.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
