I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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