My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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