Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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