i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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