I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
