i don't like sucking hair
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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