I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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