Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
