those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
there's paper in my vomit.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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