no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
