So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
