Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
