I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
