Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize