Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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