Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
