Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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