She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
