shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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