how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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