Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
