I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize