If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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