been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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