Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
