As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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