I am spending my child support on dildos
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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