And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
