I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize