We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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