I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
