Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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