and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
