Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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