Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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