I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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