I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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