She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
