I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
