My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
