I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
