I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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