If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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