My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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