if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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