I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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