Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
