if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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