I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
