mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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