my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You can't motorboat a personality
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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