No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
