i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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