I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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