My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
